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Letting go of a Perfect Recovery
I have struggled with anorexia, bulimia, and over exercising for most of my life (I am 27 right now). When I was in high school I over exercised a lot but it went unnoticed as a problem. I flew under the radar for years and I had no idea myself that I had any kind of eating disorder. However when I was 24, I started restricting and working out like crazy. I did that for 2 years until I got so hungry that I started binging and purging.
Last year, I found myself in the hospital after an intense trail running race. The week prior to the race I had really intense behaviors. I was so depleted nutritionally before running such a race that afterwards I had nothing left physically, emotionally, or mentally. Laying in the ER getting IV fluids was the point that I realized I had to do something or I would probably take my own life. One week later, I found myself entering a residential eating disorder facility as a patient. My first (and last) time in treatment besides outpatient therapy.
I was at the center for 6 weeks. I learned a ton about myself as well as skill sets to help me recover. I think you are right when you state that, “What I have noticed is that there is not a lot out there about recovery from eating disorders, certainly not a lot of information about what recovery looks like and what things help people get there.”
As I entered the final weeks of treatment, I had a lot of information and my therapists telling me that recovery isn’t perfect. I didn’t really understand how in the midst of wanting to have a behavior or even having one how this information was going to help me push through. And what do you mean…recovery can’t be perfect? I am going to make it perfect (of course right?).
Well, I have to tell you, that recovery isn’t perfect and that it is ok for it to not be perfect. I am finding that despite it being almost a year since I was admitted to treatment, that I have come a really long way. I am a very driven person. Give me a challenge and I will rise to it. I used this energy to be very “good” in my eating disorder. However, I have learned that this energy can be transferred into recovery instead of my eating disorder.
As far as recovery goes, the things that have helped me are as follows:
1. Staying in therapy
2. Trusting and practicing what I learned in treatment. Even if I fail a few times or most of the time…
3. Being really open and honest with my friends about what I need from them.
4. BELIEVING IN MYSELF!
5. Saying affirmations until I believe them…even if I believe them a little bit.
6. Journaling about my life, emotions, and how I am feeling or if I feel like engaging in a behavior, picking it apart in my journal before I decide to engage or disengage in the behavior.
7. Being honest about my failures
8. My faith in Jesus. Knowing that I am created and fashioned in Him. I was created for a purpose.
9. Mentoring high school girls through Young Life…GREAT ACCOUNTABILITY they have no idea they give me!
10. Just trying…a little effort really does go a long way. Then keep trying…until the healthy option feels ok and the unhealthy options feel yucky.
11. I live in the mountains. I feel very blessed and connected with myself and God when I open my front door every morning. This helps me keep the big picture in perspective, especially on days where I wake up “in my disorder”.
Thanks again for your website and all that you do for those of us striving for recovery and healthy lifestyles.
I hope you can feel my energy for life and recovery!
Mindy
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